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A Perfect Circle- Pet |
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I look back on my life and there are so many things I regret. I don't know what my life has become anymore. I feel so lost, so cold, and distant from everyone I once cared about. I can't take the feeling of knowing that I can't do anything I want to because of one single person. I can't deal with his asshole "friends" at school telling me that I have him on a leash. If only everyone knew what I've been through. I hate sounding like a whiny loser. I wish everything would get better, but these haunting memories from the past will never leave. It's like an empty hole, unfulfilled promises and missed opportunities. I will never have back what I once did. I wish I didn't change my appearance. I remember how I used to dress. I liked it. I didn't like the constant ridicule. I wish I was like that again, but then everyone would make fun of me again. I can't take life and it's bullshit. I don't know why everyone else makes life seem so okay. I don't think it is. I just need one person to talk to, that truly understands me, and I cut him off. I told him to fuck himself. But I didn't feel like I do now. I feel like I love this one. I really do. But he doesn't treat me too great, and the other one did. I was the queen, the goddess, he made me feel pretty. I rarely feel like that anymore. Once and a while instead of telling me how my hair looks like shit, I need someone to just tell me that I look nice. Just something. I tell him all the time how beautiful I think he is. And he just tells me I'm a liar. No matter how hard I try, it's never good enough. I wish I was with my friends right now. They're all partying, but I'm not. Because I can't. I miss them. I miss Jessyca, Kristin, Alexis, Nichole, Amanda, Leah, Aimee, Josh, Matt, Adam, Alek, all of them. I miss them. Even though some of them aren't the closest of friends, they are fun and they know me. They've know me since we were 5, a lot of them. I remember all the times I cried alone and tore apart my ankles. I remember all the meals I skipped because I wasn't good enough. I remember how many of these times were because he made me feel this way. You would think that we had a terrible night tonight, but we didn't. I guess it's always on the good nights when I think that everything is false, a mirage.
I think it's time to make the pain away. I just sit here and rot. I want to fall off the face of the planet, become a faceless, meaningless piece of matter. It's not like it matters anyway. Who fucking cares? I've realized people always have ideas about how other people are. Like Officer Sassi, for example. I know so many people that hate him, but I interviewed him today for my PIG paper, and he was so nice. I've never met him before, he knows of me from Bob and Chuck. He waved through the glass, and let me in the back room with a "Hey! How are you?" He went out of his way to have a conversation with me about other things than just my paper. He answered all my questions to the fullest extent possible. He's such a nice person. He was smiling a lot, he's a happy person. He's a tough cop, and people can't except the fact when they fuck up, he'll be punishing them for it. People who play the victim usually aren't. I'm so in love with the idea of dropping off the face of the planet.
Stay with me.
Safe and ignorant.
Just stay with me.
Hold you and protect you from the other ones.
The evil ones.
Don't love you son.
Go back to sleep.
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